Yesterday I had a cry out and breakdown session. Thank the good Lord I have a caring and kind husband who just listened and let me vent and cry. The last therapy session I had with my therapist was really good so I'm learning to tune into my feelings and ask myself, "What is it that has provoked the feelings that I'm feeling?" "What triggered this downward spiral of emotions all of sudden?" What was suppose to be a simple night of dinner turned into a struggle of whether I wanted to eat with our daughter or not. Before you judge me.. I was replaying in my head last nights dinner session. Me, my husband and our daughter after 3 years still struggle with bonding to her. Our dinner was quiet as usual with me and my husband asking her lots of questions like how was your day? Who did you eat with at lunch? Have you made any new friends? Her answers short and brief, looking down at her plate and picking her food. She eats quickly and then rushes upstairs to stay in her room until it's time to go to bed. Well, being super honest here. I wasn't in the mood for a dinner session like that. Later on I explain to my husband how I've been feeling lately and it's a hot ugly mess. Questions were thrown like, "How much longer will it take for this to feel normal?" "Why do I hate myself when I'm around her?" "I miss the person I use to be, fun, kind, loving towards people." "What would have become of her had we given up the first year, would she be in a better place or are we the better place for her now?" I wept, vented, and cried my eyes out. Who is this person I am today? Am I still a loving person that I thought I was? Am I still doing some good in this world? There is so much guilt, so much resentment, and so much more I cannot begin to explain. My husband asked, "Have you prayed about it and ask God?" I said yes. He said "What is your prayer?" My prayer is this. "That God will let me see our daughter through Jesus eyes, the way He sees her. That I could accept her and love her where she is, not where I expect her to be. That I could be kind, loving, compassionate and understanding of her and her perspective." My husband responds with a "Hmmm". and a nod. He then asks, "Did he answer you?" I tell him, "Well, no.. I don't think so." The truth is I have human love. Human love can be very conditioned. When you have a child that you adore, love spending time with, think is the cutest thing in the world, is so fun to be around, has the best personality, you are naturally gravitated towards them and find ways to bond to them. What if you have none of those things with your child? How then do you bond and love them. God revealed to me well that right there.. is GOD LOVE, not human love. There is nothing wrong with our daughter besides the normal growing pains of a preteen kid. Sure she's got trauma from her past, but don't we all have some sort of past that haunts the way we behave? My husband says, She is no different from the kids you love in your Sunday school class. God love is a hard love, but it's not impossible.
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